and so the process continues:
Tuesday 8th of January I had a CT scan at 8am it was a walk in the park - the hardest part was being there solo. This is the moment that I knew I needed to stop being so strong and holding people at arms length, when people offer to help I need to be more accepting. My number one priority is to start looking after myself to get through this journey in the best position I can, but frustration and uncertainty challenge me at every step. It so easy to get stuck in the 'what if' mind frame, then the 'why me' and 'its not fair' thoughts flood my mind and uncontrollable tears fall relentlessly every single time I'm alone. I've been an over thinker of situations and life for a while now, creating big unknown knots of anxiety and fear in my body - but this is the moment where I break free. I am so fortunate to have two fantastic amazing women in my life who could also see through the strong fake front I had up, they allowed me to let go in the safety of tremendous support - just what I needed to become grounded again the conversations over coffee and wine were much more then how are you today and I'm so thankful. It made me realise that sometimes all you need to do is talk, as they say a problem shared is a problem halved.
With the operation just around the corner on the 25th January and being in the middle of a large renovation I had so much to achieve before then, fatigue was my biggest issue but I knew what I wanted to achieve before the 'recovery' phase came and I would not be doing much at all. So I made a list of the smaller things getting to me, the bigger things needed for the renovation and booked in a family portrait sitting as well as getting my hair and make up done beforehand. This was meant to be a goal after getting fitter but with possible facial paralysis after the operation we made a decision to do it now.
I was lucky my lovely friend put me onto Tammie Pittwood Photography - AMAZING, Tammie was a joy to work with and so lovely and understanding of the situation. I'm so pleased with the photos they are beautiful and I can not wait to get some up on our wall. Here are two of my favourites :)
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This whole journey has me rethink about so much - what's important to me and what values I hold for my family. Most importantly is there something I can do to protect my children from this happening to them? ... from the bone positions this tumour has been here and growing for a large portion of my life which is quite a scary thought but somehow I find reassurance in believing its happened to me for a reason, a reason that I don't have to find or justify just accept. The last thing I want is a big 'Taboo' around talking about the tumour in my rural community and with my children, I plan to stay open to questions and help support anyone else who may find themselves in a similar position.
Please everyone treasure your own amazing beautiful families & life around you. I know its cliche, but you never know when something major will challenge you and change the life you once knew - above your control - there is no looking back xxx
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